In the family where I grew up, I am the oldest of two children. Father provided the money and my mom was taking care of my sister and me. Father was hardly home during the week, mom was always there for us. We lived on a farm with space for two families. My grandparents lived in one part of the house, we lived in the other part.
Until my fifth birthday I spent much time with my grandfather, who had a farming business with chickens, cows, pigs and goats.
The farm was located near a forest and there was a lot of space and nature. A lovely place for a child to grow up. Often I climbed in trees in the nearby woods, or drove my bike, and later on my moped, around. On weekends we had many family activities. Often we went out into the nature, pony trekking or visiting family. On Sunday, mainly driven by grandma, we had to go to church.
I was a happy child, I was full of energy and easily made contact with anyone. Nowadays you would say I had ADHD. As a child I always felt the mental and emotional troubles of others.
I felt the exact cause of them, and the solution. To me as a child feeling these feelings of others were normal. Therefore I wanted to be a doctor, so I could help people to heal again.
But it didn’t work out like that..
Also I felt the great inner conflict and dissatisfaction in my parents. Everything about them showed off that life is not easy, but they didn’t tell me that.
They did everything they could to keep us children from knowing about the troubles, just to keep “peace at home”. Especially those things I felt very clear. I could not accept the belief that life is a struggle, which I inherited from my parents. Especially because of this contradiction. At that time I already knew that life is easy, and that everything is easier if you just be honest with yourself and look at your own truth. I drove my mom crazy every time I confronted her with this. With my father I couldn’t talk, because usually he did the talking.
This sensitivity I had, I had everywhere. Wherever I went, I felt the feelings and structures of other people. I felt if they were happy or unhappy. Whether they had headaches or abdominal pains, and I even felt it when someone would be sick or was going to decease. I felt very clearly where it came from and therefore knew what they had to do so it would heal. It was very easy for me to bring people in contact with the cause of their suffering, and by doing something like laying my hand on them, the structure released and they felt better immediately.
But when I told that person the solution and I would help them, they almost always said that I was wrong.
At that time I didn’t understand yet, that people have their difficulties to look at their problems and the truth which contains their relief.
I felt misunderstood. I was sure, wasn’t I? I was sure I felt it right, but the other denied everything. This gave me more and more doubt. To myself and the solutions that I saw. In the end I couldn’t distinguish my feelings from those of others.
It happened everywhere. When my grandfather died my uncle told me that Grandpa was sleeping. I did not understand, I felt that he died, and also my parents had told me this. My response to my uncle: “Not true, you lie, Grandpa is dead.” was dismissed irritated as disrespectful.
During my high school, I had about 4 friends. I got confused by what they told me about themselves and the true feelings they had. More and more I felt like there is something wrong with me. As I felt different from other children and adapted myself to their structures and believes to be “part of them” I estranged even more from myself. My gift was a burden. Through these experiences I had closed myself. I cut myself off. I did not want to feel, let alone feel what others felt. Whatever training I did, whichever profession I practiced, there was always discontent in me. Nothing really got me further.
I noticed that my life and the way I thought about everything, did not give me what I felt somewhere deep inside me. I could not continue this way. Sometimes I even thought about taking my life. Once I tried to run my car into a tree, but halfway I got the feeling that this was not the way. This is a real dead end!
Then as I jerked the steering wheel, I almost hit the tree on the other side of the road. For one-and-a-half hour I stayed, parked on that road. Then I got the feeling to find somebody who did what I did as a child.
So I did. And I found a woman that felt what I felt. She explained to me that everything is interconnected, and that basically everything is already one. This was a relief! Finally I felt understood. She gave me back my access to myself and to truth and I could feel myself again as a whole human being.
During a long journey in my inner and outer world, I learned that it is important to experience, feel and really dare to look, before you can really change things. As a child I clearly saw and felt, but for most people it was too confrontational to look at it.
The most dramatic events in my life were those events to which, upon today, I draw strength from. I took the challenge of confronting me with myself, and I still do that every moment.
By time and again by the challenge to face my fears and darkness, I discover the richness of my life and feel that this is where my strengths and gifts lie. And with these gifts I can support myself and others.
Eventually I grew to become an expert in experiencing. What I did as a child I do now as an adult. Experience, feel and share what I found with everyone, walk next to you as your guide and support you on the way to your truth.
This is why I confront, train and support people with compassion and passion. The gifts I had as a child I apply in my moments to support people.
I am full of life and accept everything and everyone on my path. Everybody is welcome, and all of us can learn something from one another on the way to recover our balance. This inner wealth I wish everyone to have, including you. It’s like that woman that I met said:
Actually, we’re all one. We just need us to remember it.
Let me guide you to remember.